2004 Florida and Bahamas Trip Report

May 6, 2003. 
Well, I guess it takes all kinds. I am on deck 12 of Royal Caribbean’s Majesty of the Seas watching for Severine and Karine to arrive from our day at port in Key West. Today has been the freakshow I have been looking for. Breast implants on middle-age women, guys with pierced nipples, packs of lesbians and flamboyantly gay men, euro travelers from seemingly everywhere in Western Europe, Asian tourists constantly on the wrong side of the sidewalk and clogging up things to take pictures, impatient people, cold and unfriendly people, tired people, indifferent people, lost souls, sun worshipers i.e. wrinkled people, RV owners on hiatus, sex kittens, stud muffins, typical brothers, free range chickens, hotties , snotties, and those who will remain unnamed. One thing Key West certainly has is variety! 

Our trip started seven days ago in St. Louis on April 30. That Friday it had rained most of the day. Karine‘s flight out of O’Hare was delayed. What else is new? We left St. Louis just before 10 PM toward Nashville and arrived whipped around 2 AM. I drove the entire way and did well for most of it. A brief five hour stay at the Homewood suites ended with a good breakfast and me spilling coffee!

On May 1, we drove to Orlando, playing hide and seek with rain showers all day. It was a 10 hour drive, and we arrived at the holiday in express at about 6 PM. It was at 8:15 PM or so that my friends Larry and Michele arrived to take us to Seasons 52. As we drove there thunderstorm warnings were out for the area. We just missed the teeth of the storms and we arrived at the restaurant after passing through the unabated commercial glitz and blitz that is Orlando. The place was utterly jammed with pretty people. It was loud and over the top. Food was excellent, but it was not a place to relax. It was like a chainsaw in the Carnegie Hall! The dinner was too late, albeit very good, and did not give us a chance to wind down.

On May 2 we visited Walt Disney’s MGM studios. Severine was very hurried in the morning, and we made our way to MGM just a little behind schedule. But there were no lines and we quickly conquered all that we set out to do. Karine agreed to both Rockin Roller Coaster and Tower of Terror, and she became a little queasy after riding them.
That evening we drove to Miami. Through the Kissimmee tourist trap to the Florida turnpike. We stopped for food outside of Fort Meyers. We got zero service at Steak ‘n Shake and actually walked out before ordering. The girls said KFC was too dirty, so they saved me from myself and eating fried chicken. We finally pulled into a Red Lobster. Clam chowder and tortilla soup did not work for Karine. Luckily I ordered some plain scallops for her and she loved them. 

We proceeded on the road again and the girls slept a little. On I 95 we hit the urban sprawl at least one hour before Miami. Orlando is very spread out and hard to get around in my opinion. Miami is an absolute joke. From West Palm Beach into South Beach it was all sprawl. That is depressing to me. We arrived at South Beach and checked into the Fairwind hotel. South Beach is as advertised. An art deco freakshow with a nice, wide beach and high prices. It was late on Sunday and the party scene was just beginning to blossom. I hated it. A waste of money, time, and brain cells. We went to bed at 1 AM after walking for hours.

On May 3, 2004 we woke up and ate at our hotel restaurant. As we walked around South Beach, I was not impressed once again. Streets were often dirty. The place had a lot going for it: weather, architecture, the beach, food. But it was still not for me. Our walk around was fun nonetheless. I had a drink at the hotel as I waited for the girls to come back as we had split up during our walk. Two women sat across from me at the bar. One looked like a movie star. I ending up seeing her on the cruise and she did not even remember being at the Fairwind hotel. Proof positive that beauty and brains are not available in the same package more often than not. Speaking of the cruise, we loaded up and made a short drive to the port, where boarding the ship was trouble free. Sev had to explain her expired visa, vis a vis her permanent residence card, after we were on board, which was very odd. But there was no drama (they were just not used to seeing both of those things presenting at the same time) and we ate and napped after walking around to explore the ship. 

We decided to work out as we embarked at 5 PM. It was raining like hell! Our first dinner was an “experience. “ Our service staff was really cool, but we had a family from Florida with two prima donna daughters that were completely bitchy. The rest of the table was occupied by a reclusive Irish couple. They were visibly appalled at the daughters’ behavior, and we never saw them again. They obviously requested a table change. So, we were stuck at that table with those stuck up people the rest of the cruise. We should’ve requested a table change ourselves, or just gone to the open seating option instead of the set dinner time we had. Alas, I employed the “kill them with kindness” philosophy for the duration of the cruise and the food was very good. We had a lot of fun ordering and sharing different things. And we learned on a cruise ship that everything is optional, so Karine was able to piece together meals by ordering things that she found acceptable to eat.

On May 4, 2003 I figured out the cool thing about cruising is waking up in a new port every morning. The vessel is like a magic carpet ride on the ocean, silently transporting you. Very nice. Having been to Nassau before, I was ready to hit the historic stuff I missed the first time around. The Government Plaza, water tower, Queens Staircase, embattlements, and the old town we’re all pretty cool. We walked all of it and across the bridge to Paradise Island where it began to rain. We ate at a café and walked to the Atlantis, where we saw what we could for free and had some coffee for $14! Upon leaving there, the rain subsided, and we walked up to the beautiful Versailles Gardens. We made our way north through the gardens where they ended at the Ocean Club. The club is a $750++ per night posh establishment that is very exclusive, but I said something to the lifeguard at the pool he apparently liked. He gave us access through the resort to Cabbage Beach. (Those who read this might remember the Ocean Club later being featured in the James Bond movie Casino Royale where all the gambling was taking place and the flow of exotic cars was endless). We swam on the near empty 1 mile stretch of perfect sand while an island couple were apparently having sex in the water to our west! We looked toward the Atlantis beach area and it’s crowded scene and just shook our heads. A $10 taxi back to port and we had made quite a day of it. Formal dinner that evening was great. I actually had escargot for the first time that night!

On May 5, 2004 we woke up at Coco Caye, which is Royal Caribbean‘s private island. It was a small paradise! We beached. I snorkeled in choppy water and got beat up quite a bit by the waves. I also swam through a whole field of thimble jellyfish. Luckily I did not get a reaction to them. We walked and ate and just soaked up the beauty and near perfect weather that day. Later I ran 6 miles on the ship deck. I was beat!

On May 6 we woke up in Key West and cleared the ship at 9:30 AM. Key West was quaint and nice… very colonial and beachy at the same time. The winds had picked up again, and the water was not the usual turquoise perfect. But we toured the island by trolley and then walked around. I had a mission and split away from the girls. I went to have some local food specialties. Conch stew. Stone crab at the Half Shell Raw Bar restaurant. Chocolate dipped Key Lime pie! And then I made my way to Margaritaville to have the requisite margarita in Jimmy Buffett’s tourist trap. I would have loved to stay longer. Even though I described Key West as a freak show earlier, the people watching there is just amazing! We sailed away that evening through 15 foot seas and 40+ foot sprays into the air off our ship. I stood on deck and watched nature's drama unfold. Thank God for meclizine! Our last dinner was bittersweet. We loved our staff and would miss their fine service.